Day 120 - Grief and Discoveries

I still can't sing, no matter what I do or try.  Everyone is walking around on eggshells around me.  I don't know what to do.

My only saving grace is the swordsmanship classes with the men at the Dour.  Only there, sword in hand, beating on a straw dummy or sparring with one of his men, that I feel good in my skin again.


If I'm not in class or at the Dour, I hide in the library and read.  I found a few old tomes there that peek my interest.

One is called The Legend of Red Eagle and details how a man gave his heart, will, and humanity to a witch in return for absolute power.  Peace reigned for two years before a great army invaded, trying to take siege of the man's stronghold.  The man came forward and used his power to kill off the invaders but in the process took his life too.

I couldn’t help but wonder how much of that story was real and how much was legend.  Was this like the last old book I read, where what was written were lies?

The other book is called The Aetherium Wars and tells about the magical material known as Aetherium, a rare, luminescent blue crystal found in some Dwemer ruins.  Though now it is thought to be inert, centuries ago the Dwarves thought otherwise.  An alliance of four Dwarven cities was formed to oversee its extraction, processing, and study, and a new 'Aetherium Forge' constructed to smelt it under precisely controlled conditions.

The legend goes that the Forge was able to make artifacts of immense power, imbued from the moment of their creation with powerful enchantments. The dwarven alliance shattered almost immediately, as the four city-states and their rivals attempted to claim the Forge.  The fight went on for decades and when it finally ended, it seems that no one restarted the research.

I wonder if the old forge is still around.  And if it was, did it still work?  Oh, what a great discovery that would be!

Day 115 - Trouble

I don't know what is wrong with me.  It's like I'm sleepwalking through my classes, doing only what's required of me and ignoring the rest.  Most people around here understand and don't ask much of me.

Only Professor Ateia is making trouble for me, but is that any surprise?  I wasn't back for more than a day when she demanded that I sing in her class.  The thought of singing a song, after all I had been through in the last few weeks, made me tear up.  I shook my head, fearful that if I spoke, I would begin to cry.

"You do not say no to one of your professors," she demanded, "Stand up and sing, girl, or I shall send you to the headmaster."

I stood as instructed and with shaking hands, tried to sing, but nothing would come out!  It was as if I was mute.

The professor stomped over to where I stood and grabbed my arm, "That's it.  To the headmaster's office with you.  Maybe he can get you to sing."

She escorted me to the door and give me a shove towards the stairs, "Off with you.  And don't come back until you can sing something to me."

I burst into tears and raced down the stairs.  But I didn't go to the headmaster's office but rather to my cubicle, where I laid on the bed and cried.  I remained there throughout lunch and Professor Germane's class.

It was only when I heard everyone leave for dinner that I tiptoed out of my room.  If I was quiet enough, I would be able to sneak out of the college and attend my sword lesson without anyone knowing I was gone.  I was just grateful that this was a day they didn't hold a regular defense class at the Dour.  I didn't think I would be able to face my fellow students, not after breaking down that morning.

As I was tiptoeing my way across the entryway, I heard Headmaster Viarmo talking to someone in his office.  I stopped when I heard him mention my name.

"I understand your impatience, Pantea, but please take it easy on the girl.  She just lost her father-"

"My father died five years ago," I heard Professor Ateia say, "And I still stepped up on that stage and performed for the King that night."

"Yes, Pantea," Professon Germane said, "But not all of us are as heartless as you."

"You take that back, Giraud Germane!"

"Okay, okay," Viarmo said, "Calm down.  There's no reason to start a fight.  I'm just asking that you take it easy on Ms. Willowbranch.  She's taking the death of her father hard and you pushing her is not helping her."

"Fine," I heard Ateia rise to her feet, "I will take it easy on her.  Now, if you'll excuse me."

I made a hasty retreat the moment I heard her footsteps heading for the entryway, almost running for the door that led outside.

Day 112 - Homecoming

Ataf was waiting for me when my ship pulled into the docks at Solitude.  The moment my feet touched the dock, he leapt forward and gave me a hug.

"It's good to see you, old friend," he said, smiling ear to ear.

"The same to you, dear Ataf.  What are you doing here?"

"I've been keeping an eye on the ships ever since you left. I couldn't let you arrive home without some greeting.  Here, let me have your bag."

Ataf took my bag against my protests and led the way back towards town, talking all the way.  I only caught about half of what he was saying as my mind wandered elsewhere.

People have been stopping me all day long, giving me their condolences and seeing how I'm feeling.  If I have one more person say "sorry" or "how are you doing?", I'm going to scream.  The only safe place for me to be is in my cubicle in the basement of the College.  Only then do they leave me alone and stop their incessant questions.

Day 110 - Cha-cha-cha-changes

I leave for Solitude today.  Ma and Stevie left the day before, carrying what few belonging they had in a small wagon.  They were headed for Riften, the town were Ma grew up.  Her sister, Aunt Guanine, still lived there, running a clothing store catering to the brides that marry in the town's shrine.  Ma hoped that her sister could use her sales and weaving skills.

When Ma told me of this idea a few days ago, I immediately offered to go with them.

"No, Patrycia," my mother said, "You must return to your schooling."

"But Ma-"

Ma turned to stare at me, the exhausting evident in her eyes, "Do no fight with me on this, child.  You must returned to Solitude and finish your schooling.  You can't give up your dream.  Don't worry - your brother and I will be safe in Riften."

I reticently agreed, even though my heart wasn't into singing anymore.  I hadn't sung even more than a note since I arrived home and I felt no need to do so anytime soon.  Pa was the biggest fan and the thought of never being able to sing for him ever again killed me inside.

But I will do as Ma says and go back to school.  Maybe once I'm away from here and all of the memories, the songs will come back to me.

Day 105 - Burial

We buried Pa today.

Harold Freyan and his boy dug a grave under his favorite tree – the same spot where we used to sit and he would tell us about all his travels – and helped lay him to rest.  Almost all of the town and most of the staff from the college were there to say their goodbyes.

Afterwards, most of the people headed to The Frozen Hearth, the inn in town, where the owner, Dagur, was hosting a sort of a memorial of his own for my father.  Ma and Stevie went but I bowed out.  I was in no mood to watch the townsfolk get drunk and tell funny stories about my Pa.

Instead, I took a bottle of wine from my Pa's cupboard and walked into the frozen waste just west of town where I had my own little memorial service to my Pa.  I sat on a rock high above the frozen sea and thought about all that had happened in the last few months.  It felt as though the day Pa walked me to Windholm so I could take the ship to Solitude was just yesterday.  Now, just three and a half months, Pa was dead, thanks to some mindless Imperial soldier.

I stayed out on the rock until my hands were so cold, I felt like they were going to drop off.  Only then did I stand and speak to the whistling wind.

"I'll find who did this, Pa," I said, "I'll find who did this and kill them."

With those words spoken, I tossed the empty bottle into the sea, turned, and headed for home.

Day 103 - Gone

Pa passed away today.

That is one of the hardest sentences I've ever had to write.

Day 98 - Arrival Home

We arrived in Windhelm in the early morning.  Though we were both exhausted, we continued on, picking up Harold's wagon from the stable and riding the 2 hours to my home.

As we walked through the city, I overheard people mumbling about Imperials in their town.  I asked Harold about their comments.  He told me that tensions are tight between the Imperials and the people that back the man that killed the High King.  He feared that civil war would break out soon in the region.

The thought of war breaking out near my home scared me.  In all the years we've lived in Winterhold, I've never once felt uncomfortable visiting the neighboring city of Windhelm….until now.

When we arrived at my family cabin the woods near Winterhold, I was surprised to see every light on in the small cabin and multiple horses tied up outside.  It looks as though half of the town was there.

A shout arose the moment I opened the door and stepped inside.  My mother and brother rushed forward to hug me with such force I almost fell over.   Only then did the other rise and greet me with hugs and pats on the back.

Once things called down, Ma showed me to where my father laid on my old bed.  His eyes were closed, his face pale, and breath shallow.  I knelt down beside him and took his hand but he gave no reaction to my touch.

"What happened?" I asked my Ma, "Harold wouldn't tell me anything."

"I'm not sure," she replied, "He just appeared late one night, slumped over on his horse, an Imperial arrow in his back."

"In…in his back?" I gasped, "Why would an Imperial soldier shoot Pa?"

"I don't know, Patryce, I don't know.  The moment I found him, I sent your brother off to the Freyan place to get Harold.  He helped me get your father off the horse and inside where it was warm."

"Has…has anyone fetched the healer from Windhelm?"

"He says there is nothing he could do for your father.  The arrow was dipped in poison.  It will kill him slowly."

I'm spending as much time as I can by Pa's bed, singing and talking to him.  There has been no reaction from him at all, not even a muscle twitch.  Everyone tells me that there's no hope of his recovery but I can't help but pray to the Gods that they will do something, anything to save my Pa.

Day 95 - Called Home

I was called into the Headmaster's office again today.  As I walked to his office, I couldn't help but wonder what I had done this time.  I had worked hard to keep my nose clean and stay out of trouble these last few weeks.  What did he have to complain about now?

But the moment I entered the office and saw Ma and Pa's neighbor, Harold Freyan, sitting in one of the guest chairs, I knew something was wrong.  He told me that my father was injured and it looked as though he wouldn't make it.  He was sent to retrieve me from school so I could be there with my family.

"Of course she may go home," the headmaster said, "And don't worry – we will save you your spot so you may return once this difficult time is over."

The next two hours were a whirlwind of activity as I hastily packed a bag and rushed to the docks to catch the boat heading to Wildhelm.  As we left the city, I made it a point to stop at the Dour and tell Captain Aldas that I would not be attending my lessons until I returned.  He wished me luck and had one of his men escort us out of the city and down to the docks, assuring that no one would waylay us so we missed the boat.

And now, here I sit in my tiny quarters on board the ship, praying that the winds blow just right so we arrive home faster.  Why did I ever decide to go to Bard's College so far away from my home?  I should have become a damn mage…

Day 77 - 10 PM - Practice at the Dour

Tonight's class was "interesting" to say the least.  Instead of arriving at the Dour at my usual time – 6:30 –  for my lesson, I decided it would be best to go with my fellow students at the designated class time of 7 PM.  I dressed in my usual practice clothes – an old dress and pants I used to wear when sheering the sheep, and followed a group of students up the street and into the Dour.

The moment Captain Aldis saw me, he began to bellow, "Ms. Willowbranch!  Where are you been?"

I glanced around at the group around me, "I…I thought class started at 7, sir."

"Not for you, it doesn't.  I expected out here at 6:30.  Now grab a sword and start sparring with Hinkly."

I could feel every set of eyes on me as I pushed my way through the group, crossed the courtyard, and picked up a practice sword from the table.

"Wait!" I could hear Aia protest from the depths of the crowd, "Why does she get special treatment?"

"Ms. Willowbranch has been taking private lessons for the last two months so she is at a far more advanced level than the rest of you.  Now, everyone line up and when I point to you, tell me your name and if you have any fighting experience."

As I strode across the courtyard to where Hinkly was standing, I couldn't help but glanced back at the crowd.  I spotted Aia right away – she was the one glaring daggers at me.  I just smiled and waved at her.  Hehehehe…that felt so good!

Day 77 - 12 noon - Announcement at School

Headmaster Viarmo gathered everyone together in the front hall at 8 this morning to make an announcement.
"I know I have said before that this world is becoming a place of anger and danger for his bards.  As such, I think it is time for our little college to start a new class, called Swordplay and Self Defense."

A murmur rose in the crowd.  The Bard's College hadn't changed their curriculum in almost a century.  This was completely unusual.

The headmaster went on, "This class will be taught by Captain Aldis of the guard and held up at the Dour three time a week.  This class will be optional, of course, but I would suggest that each and every one of you take it.  What you don't know could get your killed.

"If anyone is interested, please report the Dour courtyard at 7 PM this evening.  That is all.  Thank you."

Ah-ha!  So that was why he was visiting the Dour last night!

Day 76 - A Visit from Viarmo

Headmaster Viarmo appeared in the Dour's gateway a few minutes past 7 last night.  One moment there was no one there, and the next he was just standing there, watching me practice with my sword against my sparring partner.

His sudden appearance startled me so badly, I stumbled and the soldier I was fighting against was able to get in a hit.  I quickly righted myself and went after him with much vigor.  If Viarmo was going to watch me, I was going to give him a hell of a show.

When I looked back towards the gate a few minutes later, Captain Aldis had joined him and the two men were talking quietly.  A moment later, the two shook hands and went their separate ways – the captain towards us and Viarmo towards the Bards College.

"What was that about?" I asked him as he passed.

"None of your concern, little one.  Now get back to work."

When I returned to the college that night, I found Viarmo sitting in the entryway, reading a book.  He said nothing as I passed and I did the same, even though I was dying to ask him what was going on.

Day 75 - Discovery

We were just heading for lunch when Headmaster Viarmo called me into his office.  His stern look on his face made a shiver of fear race up and down my back.  Oh hell, was I in trouble again?

I found our flute and song professor, Pantea Ateia, already sitting inside.  I took a seat on the other chair, folded my shaking hands into my lap, and waiting for what they had to say.

"There is a rumor going around about you, Ms. Willowbranch," the headmaster began, "And if it is true, we will have to let you go from the Bard's College."

My mouth instantly went dry.  It took a moment for me to speak, "What…what is this rumor, sir?"

He exchanged a look with Professor Ateia, a sign for her to continue on.

"It came to my attention from an anonymous source that you have been visiting the Dour every evening," she said.

Anonymous source?  Sure.

"I am," I replied.

"And what exactly are you doing up there each and every evening?"

"I apologize for being so frank, sir, but is it really any of your business what I do on my own time?"

The headmaster's face began to turn red, "As long as you are a student at the Bards College, everything you do is my business.  Everything you do and say can reflect good and badly on the college.  Now tell me, child!  What have you been doing up at the Dour?"

"Learning how to sword fight."

My answer stopped them both in their tracks.  That wasn't quite the answer they were expecting.

"Excuse me," said the headmaster, "What did you say?"

"I'm learning how to sword fight and defend myself.  You've said yourself, sir, that this world is becoming unsafe for us bards to just wander the roads as we used to.  Even taverns can be unsafe places.  I wanted to be able to defend myself is something bad happened.  Is there anything wrong with that, sir?"

The headmaster and professor exchanged a look, "No.  No, there isn't," he replied.

"Is there anything else you wanted to speak to me about, sir?  I'd really like to get some lunch."

"Oh yes," he waved his hand towards the door, "Go.  Go eat.  Thank you."

Day 66 - Return to Training

I sucked it up and returned to the Dour tonight to begin my training again.  The Captain was surprised to see me and his men greeted me with pats on the back and hearty hellos.  It was as though I was surrounded by family once again.

Captain Aldis worked me hard tonight, making me run through all of the things I had learned in the first 4 lessons.  He admonished me for my slipups and I tried hard to correct myself but my tired and unpracticed muscles fought back.

As I was leaving that night, the captain told me, "Don't worry.  You'll get back to where you were once get back into the swing of things."

I smiled at his play of words, "Thank you, Captain."

He bid goodnight and started to turn away but I stopped him, "Captain.  I just wanted to apologize for what I said at the recital."

He smiled and dipped his head in acknowledgement, "There is nothing to apologize for, young one.  Have a good night."

Day 64 - Recital

Our first recital was a smashing success.  Each of the classes performed a skit or song and dance and then each student was called up to sing a song or recite a poem.

When I first stepped out on stage, I was surprised to see Captain Aldis and a great number of his men sitting in the audience.  I hadn't seen them since the day before my trek to the ruins.  I thought it best to pause my training until things calmed down.  Anyway, I've been too busy with the recital to even think about stepping out of the house.  I think the headmaster made sure to assign me a lot of the preparation work for the recital so I wouldn't have time to get in trouble.

When I finished my song, all of the soldiers burst to their feet and applauded, which made the rest of the audience slowly rise to their feet and clap too.  I blushed so hard, I think my cheeks are still red.  As I stepped behind the curtain, I heard Aia comment about my "fan club" but I didn't care.  I didn't see her get a standing ovation when she finished her song.

At the reception afterwards, Captain Aldis pulled me aside and asked if I would be returning to my training now that the recital is over.

"I'll have to see," I replied quietly, "The headmaster is keeping an eye on me these days."

"Yes, I heard about your little expedition into the Folgunthur ruins.  I wish you had told me what you were about to do.  I would have at least sent one of my men with you."

Anger rushed through me.  I glared at him, "I don't need protecting, Captain.  I can take care of myself, thank you."

Instead of getting angry at my words, the captain got a twinkle in his eyes, "Yes, I'm sure you can, Ms. Willowbranch, but I've heard rumors of what is in those old ruins, things that even grown men are scared of."

I was about to reply when Headmaster Viarmo materialized at my side, "Good afternoon, Captain.  I was quite surprised to see you and your men here."

Captain Aldis gave a quick nod of his head, "We may be soldiers but we do enjoy a bit of culture now and again."

As the headmaster launched into one of his many stories about his days out on the road, I quickly excused myself and hurried downstairs, away from all of the strangers and crowd.  I needed a moment of silence to clear my head.

As I was neared our dorm area, I heard voices from within.  I was about to walk in when I heard my name mentioned.  Curious, I tiptoed to the door and listened in.

"Did you see how all of those men whistled and howled at her performance?  It was disgusting," I heard Aia say.

"I know," replied Illdi, "It was disgusting.  And she wasn't that good either."

"Do you what I think?  I think she's been…well, you know…all of those men."

"I know What?"

"You know!  Doing favors for them."

"Favors?  Like what?"

Aia sighed, "You are such a small town girl, Illdi.  Keeping then 'company'.  Polishing their masts.  Making sure our soldier boys are happy."

My cheeks instantly flamed.  Unlike Illdi, I knew exactly what she meant.

"Oh…" Illdi said and then giggled, "OH!  I get it.  Why in the world would you think that?"

"Don't you know?  She was going up to the Dour every night before she went off and got in trouble and put on probation."

Illdi's voice came out as quiet as a conspirators whisper, "Was that why she got in trouble?  Did the headmaster catch her 'polishing their masts'?"

"No, no.  From what I can figure out, she went somewhere where she shouldn't have gone and was caught.  I don't know the details but I know it had to be bad – she had to see the palace mage and was put on probation for 90 days."

"Wow!  That's pretty bad.  So, you think that's why all of those soldiers were here tonight?"

"I guess they were missing their little polishing whore."

The two girls giggled.  My face turned even redder.  Is that why they think I was going to the Dour?  To service the soldiers?  Did they really think that lowly of me?

I heard them stand and start for the door.  Not wanting to get caught eavesdropping, I turned and scurried for the kitchen.

When I saw the girls a short time later, I didn't give a hint of what I had overheard and they said nothing to me about the soldiers.  We all acted as though nothing had happened.  But still, as I lay here in bed, listening to Jorn snore and the others snooze, I can't help but fret over their words.  Do they really think I'm a slut?

Day 62 - Letter Home

Dear Ma:

Things are going well here at Bards College.  I'm excelling very well in my classes.  I play the lute almost as well as any of the other students and even Professor Ateia can find no fault in my work, though you can tell that she still holds Aia as her favorite.

We have our first recital tomorrow.  I will be singing a new song, named The Age of Oppression, which Professor Germane taught me.  I also have a part in our class sketch – a bit part but it's something.  We've been practicing non-stop for the last month and had our final rehearsal last night.

The Headmaster and all of the teachers watch it and at the end, they applauded and cheered us on.  I overheard Viarmo tell the teachers as the filed from the room that this will be the best recital yet.  I'm hoping that he's right and not just saying that to bolster our spirits.

Please do not feel bad that you cannot attend.  It's too far for you and Pa to travel and I know you can't be away from your weaving for too long.  I promise to write again in a couple days and tell you how it went.

Otherwise, life around here has been pretty boring.  I go to my classes, eat rehearse, and then fall into bed.   I look forward to the day this show will be over and we can get back to our normal life.

All my love to you all,

Patrycia

Day 37 - Reprevial

Blessed be the God, I am NOT expelled from Bard's College.    Of course, I'm on probation but somehow I was able to stay in school.  I think it helped that the royal mage spoke on my behalf, explaining to Headmaster Viarmo that I actually did something good – I secured the burial site of one of the amulets of great power.

So, yes, I'm on probation for the next 90 days.  If I do anything else stupid, Viarmo will kick me out, no questions asked.

Also, as my punishment I'm required to rise an hour earlier than I usually do and assist the chef, Bendt, with his morning duties for the next month.  I don't mind, really.  Bendt is a quiet man determined to get the job done as quickly as possible, without without extra hands.  I usually help him slice fruit and bread for breakfast, lay out the meal for my fellow students, and then wash dishes.  I'm finally allowed to go at 4 AM to attend class.

I'm just glad I didn't get kicked out for my little explorations.  I fear what Ma and Pa would have said if they found out about my crazy adventures.